This Is Not About Us Review ⭐⭐⭐☆☆ | Messy Families, Petty Siblings, and Why I’m Suddenly Grateful to Be an Only Child 😭📚
Book Information
Title: This Is Not About Us
Author: Allegra Goodman
Genre: Literary Fiction, Family Drama, Short Story Cycle
Rating: ⭐⭐⭐☆☆ (3/5 stars)
⚠️ Trigger Warnings
Death of a family member
Illness
Mental health struggles
Divorce
Emotional abuse
Bullying
Disordered eating
Anti-gay bias
Substance use
Family estrangement
Animal death/cruelty mentions
Holocaust trauma references
Toxic family dynamics
🚨 Spoiler Warning 🚨
This review contains FULL spoilers, including the ending and major character arcs. If you want to go into this one blind, now is your chance to flee dramatically into the night. 🏃♀️💨
My Thoughts on This Is Not About Us
I picked up This Is Not About Us because Isola was one of my favorite books. Like… FAVORITE favorite. The kind of book where you finish it and immediately stare at the wall for twenty minutes questioning whether other books are even capable of being that good. 😭
So naturally, my expectations for this one were pretty high.
Unfortunately… this one just could not live up to them.
Now, let me be clear: this is not a bad book. Not even close. If you enjoy messy family dramas, emotionally complicated characters, and interconnected literary fiction stories, there’s definitely something here for you.
But wowwww this book moves slowly. Like:
“Did I accidentally read the same page twice?”
slow. 😂
The frustrating thing is that Isola was also slow at times, but eventually it rewarded the reader with huge emotional payoff. Everything built toward something powerful and unforgettable.
Here though? I kept waiting for that BIG moment… and it never fully came.
Instead, the book stays very grounded in everyday family tension, sibling resentment, awkward holidays, passive-aggressive comments, and people silently judging each other over baked goods and life choices for literal decades. Which honestly sounds hilarious when I type it out, but while reading it I mostly just wanted everyone to go to therapy. 😭
The Sibling Dynamics Nearly Sent Me Into Orbit 🫠
The thing I struggled with most was honestly the siblings.
I don’t have siblings, so maybe this is just one of those things I fundamentally cannot relate to. But the level of pettiness in this family absolutely exhausted me.
The ENTIRE family fracture basically begins because:
one sister makes an apple cake 🍎
another sister gets offended about the recipe
then funeral disagreements happen
and suddenly everybody is emotionally damaged for years
Like PLEASE. 😭
I kept thinking:
“You are FAMILY. PLEASE TALK TO EACH OTHER.”
Maybe I’m naïve because I’m an only child, but I just imagine that if I had siblings, no matter what conflict happened, I’d want to work through it eventually.
This book really said:
“Counterpoint: absolutely not.” 💀
By the end, I was weirdly grateful I never had siblings. Never thought I’d say that in my life, but here we are.
Plot Summary (FULL Spoilers & Ending)
The Rubinstein Family Fracture
The novel follows the Rubinstein family through a collection of interconnected short stories spanning several years.
The emotional catalyst for everything is the death of the youngest sister, Jeanne.
Before Jeanne dies, her sisters:
Helen
Sylvia
already begin clashing over small issues — most memorably Sylvia baking Jeanne’s apple cake recipe without properly crediting Helen. This sounds minor, but it symbolizes years of buried resentment and competition between them.
After Jeanne dies, things worsen when Helen ignores Jeanne’s wishes for cremation and a secular memorial service. The sisters become deeply estranged, and that tension spreads throughout the entire extended family.
Richard, Divorce, and Midlife Reinvention
Sylvia’s son Richard struggles after his divorce from Debra. He briefly starts dating a much younger woman named Corinne, who helps him rediscover confidence.
For approximately seven minutes, Richard experiences the power of trendy eyeglasses and optimism. 😂
But Debra criticizes him for becoming distracted from parenting their daughters:
Sophie
Lily
Richard ultimately breaks up with Corinne and retreats emotionally again.
Later in the novel, Richard begins dating Heather, who is much healthier for him emotionally.
Phoebe Drops Out and Becomes a Busker 🎻
Jeanne’s granddaughter Phoebe returns home from college completely burned out and emotionally detached.
Instead of continuing school, she starts playing Jeanne’s violin on the street and eventually drops out entirely to live a more nomadic artistic lifestyle with her boyfriend Wyatt.
Honestly? Phoebe’s storyline was one of the more interesting parts of the book for me because it actually felt emotionally alive compared to some of the quieter family conflicts.
Lily’s Emotional Struggles
Richard’s younger daughter Lily struggles deeply with her parents’ divorce and throws herself into:
writing
ballet
fantasy
emotional escapism
Her storyline quietly becomes one of the emotional cores of the book.
One especially memorable moment happens during Yom Kippur when Sylvia secretly takes Lily to McDonald’s because she feels sick during fasting. 🍟😂
Later, Lily witnesses Sylvia talking to her dead parents at the cemetery and becomes deeply shaken by the realization that family estrangement can last forever if people let it.
She makes her sister Sophie promise they’ll never become that divided.
The Ending Explained
The final story, “Poppy,” centers around Heather giving birth to Richard’s son.
The family gathers for the bris ceremony, and Sylvia once again internally judges nearly everything:
the home birth
the casual atmosphere
the lack of catering
the baby’s nickname
Classic Sylvia behavior. 😭
The baby is formally named Mordechai after Sylvia’s late father, but Richard and Heather announce they’ll actually call him Charlie.
And honestly, that final moment kind of captures the entire message of the novel:
families evolve whether older generations approve or not.
What’s notable about the ending is that there’s no giant reconciliation scene. No dramatic emotional breakthrough. No sweeping resolution where everyone finally apologizes.
Instead, the book ends quietly:
people adapting
people aging
people learning when to stay silent
relationships remaining imperfect but continuing anyway
It’s realistic.
But for me personally? I wanted a little more emotional payoff after spending so much time with these characters.
What Worked For Me ✅
Strong literary writing
Realistic family dynamics
Excellent observations about generational conflict
Lily and Phoebe were the most compelling characters
The interconnected short story structure was interesting
Some genuinely funny moments hidden within the tension
What Didn’t Work For Me ❌
Extremely slow pacing
The stories sometimes felt emotionally distant
Too much sibling pettiness for my personal taste 😭
Lack of a major emotional climax
Some storylines felt unfinished
Final Thoughts ⭐⭐⭐☆☆
Overall, This Is Not About Us is thoughtful, well-written literary fiction about family dysfunction, grief, and generational tension.
But coming off the emotional intensity of Isola, this one felt much quieter and less impactful for me.
I can absolutely see why some readers would love its realism and subtlety. Unfortunately, I spent a large portion of the book wanting to sit every family member down in a circle and force them to communicate like adults. 😂
Still, it’s not a bad read at all — just not one that emotionally wrecked me the way I hoped it would.
And apparently its greatest achievement was making me thankful to be an only child. That was… unexpected. 💀
📚 Books I’d Recommend Instead (or Alongside This One)
If you enjoy messy family literary fiction, try:
The Most Fun We Ever Had by Claire Lombardo
Commonwealth by Ann Patchett
Hello Beautiful by Ann Napolitano
The Dutch House by Ann Patchett
Sam by Allegra Goodman
Isola by Allegra Goodman (still my favorite from her!)
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